Thursday 15 August 2013

86.4: Thoughts on weight loss

My weight has been the subject of my despair my entire life.

When I was very young and at primary school (ages 5-11) I became aware that my body was a different shape to most of the girls in my year. It wasn't a very big school, so it wasn't a very big pool of girls to compare myself to. But I managed to make some observations.

1) I had a 'tummy'. Most of them did not.

2) I had no friends. They all had friends. Mostly each other, of course, but the logic at the time was infallible.

From these two observations I concluded I had no friends because of the way I looked, and because a couple of them had short hair like me, it wasn't this that was standing in the way of us all being one big happy bunch of tree huggers. I came to the obvious conclusion that it must have been because I was 'fat'.

Looking back at photos of myself, I know I wasn't really that fat, and at that age eating the mostly home grown diet I did it was very hard to be fat. But I did have a different body shape to most of my peers, with a noticeable tummy. It appears I was born with it, and it never went away.

Of course, I didn't have any friends not because of my body shape, but because I was a very strange child and this was very confronting for other children and they didn't know how to be my friend. I didn't know that then, though. Luckily in the last year of primary school a few of the girls in my year decided that for some reason they actually liked me, and I joined their group of friends. And some of these girls are still my friends today. Which is awesome, thanks girls, it means a lot!

During those primary school years I spent a lot of time wishing my body shape was different. At night I would lay in bed praying that I would wake up skinny. It would be a miracle, but God performed miracles and while I knew in my heart that God probably wouldn't grant this wish, it did not stop me praying for it. Because you never knew. That one night I did not pray to wake up skinny only to find out later in heaven that was the one time God was going to get around to granting my wish? That would have been unbearable! So I prayed every night for a different body. I also used to spend a disproportionate amount of time planning on burning the whole school down without getting caught. It is only now that I realise that I totally could have totally gotten away with it. But I digress.

I've tried to lose weight many times over the years. Sometimes I have succeeded. Notably I reached my lowest weight when I was 19 and trying really, really hard. I was determined to be 'sexy' for my on again off again boyfriend. During one of our 'off' periods I lost a lot of weight because I knew that if I did, he'd want me back.  And you know what, it worked. And it was also the most miserable period of my life, both waiting for him, and then being with him. He was actually an awful person and I left for good a few years later, which was notably another period of my life where I maintained a low weight and slim figure. While I was having some fun with friends and somehow managed each day not to get fired from my job, in private I was a direction-less wreck looking for self-worth in a VERY long string of one night stands and 'friendships' with benefits. For many years I treated myself very badly. Skinny, yet miserable.

Fat.
Not as fat.
Not at all fat.
A bit fatter than before.
Less fat than before but not as thin as then.
Fat again.
Fatter.
Really fat.
A bit less fat.
Not as fat.

And so on and so forth my entire life.

What I have finally (really, only after this long?) come to realise is that I have a body type which gets fat very easily. Not morbidly obese, no, I'll grant you that. But still, by its very definition, fat. And being the reasonably bright type as well as the fat type, I know that the fat that stubbornly clings to my tummy and waist also weaves its way through my vital organs. And that has always freaked me out. It might make a great steak, but I don't want to considered or compared to wagyu beef. Although all the massage might be nice.

Also. Type 2 Diabetes. My nan had it. My uncle had it. My mum has it. And we all know why. You don't?  Then please let the NHS explain it to you.
I don't want diabetes. Plain and simple. The irony of not wanting diabetes is that you have to eat like you have diabetes. And so here I am, at 86.4kg, happier than I have ever been in my life, and wanting to try again.

It's daunting, I tell you. So many past failures have left me wondering if I can do it. My last serious attempt was famously when I took up jogging, that most hateful of pastimes. I know it works amazingly well for so many people, but I honestly hated every last awful second of it. No amount of weight loss and being healthy was worth the misery it was causing me. Yes, I lost weight. But that was not enough of a pay-off. I overheat during exercise, always have. I simply have no tolerance for my core body temperature rising, and am struck down by debilitating migraines when I overheat. I'm sure there is some sort of medical reason for this, but whatever, it means that serious exercise in all of its forms (yes, even swimming. I can indeed overheat in a pool of water) just isn't an option for me.

Which leaves diet and gentle exercise.

Up until last week, my diet consisted of hundreds of grams of chocolate a day. Adding up to over a thousand grams a week. I used to team that with a can of Coca Cola every day, as well as 'regular' food. I am under no illusion as to how I have stayed fat and gotten fatter. I eat too much stuff that is really bad for you. I know that. But last year ago, I don't know when exactly, I stopped drinking Coca Cola every day. I was addicted to the caffeine, so I compensated for a little while with a caffeine tablet. I have a history of doing this, and then just ending up back on the Coca Cola, and then back on the tablet, then back to the Coke, etc. But this time around, I quit the tablet too. It was hell for a five days, with a headache that did not go away even after taking pain killers for it. But after five days, that was it. I expected to get the occasional caffeine craving, but it hasn't happened, and I have been caffeine free for months now. Hallelujah.

Given that I have finally kicked that habit, I feel emboldened to try the other ones - sugar and fat. And apparently according to some new research, they might well just be that, habits. As addictive as drugs, maybe, and as hard to kick as cocaine. Well, duh. There are a lot of us out there who know that already without a bunch of poor lab mice being punished for our sins.

The upshot of all this is that it is going to be hard and it probably wont work but I am going to try anyway. I've given myself thirteen weeks to try out a new lifestyle. I already get daily gentle exercise with the walking turd that is the dog, so all I have to crack now is my addictions to fat and sugar. Last night I went to bed with the biggest headache I have had in a long while, no doubt due to my body screaming out for its daily hit of sugar and fat. It was awful, but not unexpected.

Can I really do this? I honestly don't know. I hope so.

1 comment:

  1. I've lost 9 and a half pounds slowly over the past 10 weeks or so. No gimmicks, no diet, no hunger. I have just stopped eating crisps, sweets, and no sugary drinks, I don't drink the falling down stuff, so that was easy.
    I've swapped snacks for fruit, puddings for fruit, made sure I eat white meat more, and fish, have semi skimmed milk, and low fat margarine, which I've done for ages.
    We feel like we've not lost anything and eating a pear or apple is better than a bag of crisps, and plenty of water. No quick, but it's a life style change and this is something I could do all the time. We still have the occasional treat, but it's occasional and not every day.
    I have a thyroid condition, and yet I've still lost weight. Now it's gone cooler I'll be walking more and that should help too.
    I"m on Etsy too.

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