Feeling: Cautiously optimistic.

I've been trying to work out exactly what I hope to achieve by fighting my sugar and fat addictions. Last week I clearly thought I wanted to lose weight, but I am not sure that is even the point of it. Yes, I want to lose weight. I carry too much fat around my middle to be considered healthy, and I want that to change. That means I have to lose weight. But what if I don't?

It seems absurd to think that by giving up the eating habits I have held for such a long time that I won't lose weight, but I don't think I should assume that I will, or that it will be significant. So I am left wondering, will it be enough for me to simply knowing my own mind that I am living healthier, but to have no visible 'reward' for that effort? Right now I honestly don't know, but I hope so.

It's almost been a week since I started. Wednesday to Friday inclusive were physically awful. I was struck down by debilitating headaches each day from about 4pm onwards, and found myself in bed early each night because I simply had to.

Then came Saturday, a day I knew I was going to have sugar. We had tickets to a music event for the afternoon/evening, a BYO picnic in the park. I had already decided I was going to allow myself this one joy, and as such consumed three cans of Brothers Toffee Apple cider. Also, I had a large hot chocolate earlier in the day. Needless to say, I was not struck down by a headache. Not even the next day, where I promptly jumped back on the wagon.

Oddly, after Saturday I have not had any further headaches, despite resuming the same chocolate, burger and soft drink free existence. I have had some pretty serious cravings for all three, though, and yesterday I was very sad about it. So we had some home made burgers for tea.

I am wondering about yesterdays 'cravings'. They didn't feel physical, like the headaches, and they didn't feel psychological/emotional (I don't believe I have ever been an emotional eater). It felt like it was coming from my brain. I was craving the feelings that lots of sugar and fat give my brain. It was a very specific feeling. I've never really focussed on what my cravings feel like, except to know at any given time the type of substance my body wants e.g. fatty burger, sugar, chocolate, or caffeine. But the physical cravings were definitely what I was getting last week during early withdrawal. What I felt yesterday was something else, something more specifically coming from my brain.

It was saying it wanted a high.

If I had to describe myself to you previously, I would never have considered the word 'addict'. It's reserved for alcohol, drugs and cigarettes, isn't it? People make jokes about being addicted to chocolate, but it's not really taken seriously. But I am not sure I could describe the feeling in my brain as anything else. I'd be worried about it, but I already know that I have been able to beat caffeine addiction, something that I was hooked on for nearly 20 years. I am so glad I got that one out of the way before I attempted this. I don't think I would have made it two days otherwise.

One day at a time.